


Say My Name

by captainamergirl



Series: True Love [1]
Category: The Young and the Restless
Genre: F/M, Love, Rare Characters, Rare Pairings, Reunions, Soulmates, missed you!, my first soap ship!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27131683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainamergirl/pseuds/captainamergirl
Summary: Victoria's first and true love Ryan McNeil returns.
Relationships: Victoria Newman/Ryan McNeil
Series: True Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065080





	1. Amazing / Believe

**Author's Note:**

> Ricki A to Z. They were my first soap ship. I'll never forget them!

**A - Amazing**

It was amazing to think that one day she had been planning a wedding to Billy Abbott and the very next she was in her soulmate's arms. How it all happened she still couldn't quite understand but she could not have asked for more. Ryan - _her_ Ryan - was back! His death had all been one of Tricia Dennison's mind games. Tricia's father had kept Ryan captive for all of these years in London and now Ryan was home in her arms exactly where he had always belonged.

He had shown up at the church during her wedding rehearsal. She'd had her back to the aisle and when she heard him say her name, shivers immediately travelled down her spine.

"Vicki."

**No one had ever said her name the way he did.**

She froze in place, unable to move, unable to even breathe, to even turn around. She was obviously having an auditory hallucination of some kind; that had to explain it. But then the gasps and cries of shock had begun and she had turned around and looked at him for the first time in nearly nine years.

_"Ryan?"_

He nodded. "It's me, Vicki. It's me."

She had broken away from Billy's grasp and ran down the aisle, launching herself into Ryan's arms. He was alive! It was really him. Her Ryan was home!

* * *

**B - Believe**

"Baby, I missed you like you wouldn't believe," he said, coming up behind her and nuzzling her neck as she braced her hands on the kitchen counter. She was trying to make them their first dinner together as a reunited and engaged couple since they never got to do it before he "died", but his kisses and caresses were distracting her from chopping the vegetables. In her mind, they were already married - always had been actually - and she still had the ring he was going to give her all those years ago before he was cruelly snatched away from her for nearly a decade.

She giggled as his teeth nipped her collarbone in just the spot she had always liked. So he remembered that, did he? She wondered if he remembered other things she liked because she knew she could do everything he used to love in the bedroom with her eyes closed and her hands tied behind her back. Which _was_ a scintillating thought...

"I am trying to make us dinner here, Ryan," she said, even as she tingled down to the tips of her toes when his hand cupped her left breast through the material of her shirt and he kneaded the little nub there. They hadn't made love since he came back because Victoria had wanted the moment to be just right, just perfect, as their wedding night should and would have been.

"Come on, Vicki, the celery can wait awhile," he said. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to hold you like this again."

She felt her resolve weakening but she murmured, "It has to be perfect, Ryan. Everything. Tricia ... she -"

"Don't think about her anymore, okay?" Ryan said, slowly reaching for the knife clenched in her hand and setting it down on the counter before lightly grasping her around her trim waist and spinning her around to face him. "She can't hurt us anymore. She's still locked up. Her dad is dying in agony from cancer in some foreign hospital. They can't ever take me away from you again."

"Ry, I want to believe that..."

"Then do it," he said, running his fingers softly across her jaw line. "Please believe in me; in us."

Tears burned her eyes and she leaned into his embrace. "I do believe in you. I do believe in us. I'm just scared it is all a wonderful dream and I'm going to wake up and you'll be gone again. I wouldn't be able to deal with that."

"Pinch me," he said.

_"What?"_

"Pinch me so you'll know I'm real."

"Ryan ..."

"Do it, Vicki, please. Trust me, you're not dreaming."

"Aren't I supposed to pinch myself in situations like this?"

"You already know you're real. Now you just have to believe that I am."

Victoria slowly reached out and pinched his arm. He winced and she smiled. "You feel real, but just in case ..." She pinched her own thigh and yelped and he couldn't help but laugh. Then he was picking her up and swinging her around as she laughed with him and happy tears streamed down her face. Her lean legs then cinched around his waist. "Make love to me," she murmured. "Right now."

He smiled. "I thought you wanted everything to be 'just right'."

"Ryan, honest to god, anytime I'm in your arms, I feel 'just right' - better than that actually. I always feel like I've come home even though you're the one that actually did."

Ryan kissed her and nodded and then he settled her on the opposite counter and they started up their familiar, erotic dance right there in the kitchen.


	2. Child / Date

**C – Child**

Ryan and Victoria lay in bed basking in the afterglow of their intense lovemaking. They had been going at it like very horny rabbits for days, trying to make up for lost time. The passion in their coupling never ceased to amaze Victoria and she felt achy all over, in all of the right places.

Ryan propped himself up on his lean elbow and stared at her with sparkling blue eyes. "Think we made a baby just now?" He asked.

She felt a little unintentional gasp escape her lips. "Ryan, you want a baby?" She asked.

"With you? Hell yes. Definitely… Does that really surprise you?" Ryan asked.

She shifted around to face him, lightly brushing her fingers across his smooth, strong jawline. "No, I guess not. It's just things are moving so fast. I want time to enjoy you and just you. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it does. Still, I'd love for you to introduce me to your son someday."

"That I can do," Victoria agreed. "You'll love Reed as much as I do!"

"Any child of yours I will love with all of my heart," Ryan vowed.

Seeing the sincerity in his beautiful eyes, something shifted inside of Victoria and she reached under the blankets, massaging Ryan's manhood. "Wow, what's that for?" he asked, immediately growing hard.

"I want you to make love to me again. I want you to make a baby with me. Why wait? You're right. We waited too long in the past and I want to make every moment we're together truly count."

"That was a fast turnaround," Ryan said and kissed her lips.

"Haven't you heard that it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind?" Victoria said as they began to make love anew.

* * *

**Date**

"I want to take you out tonight," Ryan said, come Friday morning, as they woke up in each other's arms, as they always did now.

Victoria smiled. "Like on a date?"

"What else?" Ryan asked as he pressed a butterfly-soft kiss to the bridge of her nose.

"I just am surprised. I am already sleeping with you again …"

"Yes, but maybe I want to take you out on the town and show you off to everyone. I know every guy in town will be incredibly jealous that I snagged you again. Hey, if I was them, I would be jealous too."

Victoria smiled and kissed his bare chest. "Alright. It sounds fun. What should I wear?"

"Preferably something that I can easily rip off later," Ryan joked and she hit his chest this time as she giggled.

"You're insatiable."

"Damn right I am. When it comes to you, who wouldn't be?" Ryan said. His eyes shone with true desire for her. "I never loved anyone the way I love you, Vicki."

"Same here," she said. "I could never fully give myself one hundred percent to anyone because there was always such a huge part of me that already belonged to you. I am so happy you're home, Ryan."

"Me too. God me too," he said and then kissed her full on the lips this time.


	3. Every night / Fate

**Every night**

"I could spend every night just like this," Victoria said as they swayed to music only they could hear. After their date at the GCAC, they had come to the park and were now sequestered in the gazebo together, dancing as lights strung from the rafters played across Ryan's impossibly gorgeous features.

He pulled her tighter to his torso as they danced and whispered in her ear, "I could too." He then pulled back and lightly grazed her right cheek with his nimble fingers. "Why can't we?"

Victoria smiled even as she crinkled her eyebrows in puzzlement. "Why can't we what – dance together every night?"

"That and you know, spend every night together, always. I was waiting until later to ask this but right now … the time feels right so…" He released his grasp on her waist and slid to the ground on one knee, reaching for her hand as he dug a ring box out of the pocket of his trousers. She covered her mouth as tears collected in her eyes.

"Victoria Newman, I want another chance with you. I want to make love all night, all over our dream house that's to come, and in the kitchen, and in the living room … I want to dance with you even when there's no music. And I want to be the father of any more children of yours. I want it all with you and only you. We were cheated out of too many years but now we have what we always should have had back and it's better than ever so be mine - forever, please … What do you say? Will you be my wife – again?"

Victoria wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek. "Ryan, there is nothing more in the world that I could ask for, or want more than to be your wife – again."

Ryan beamed up at her and then slid the ring – a pink diamond – onto her finger. He then got to his feet and kissed her breathless.

* * *

**F – Fate**

"Let me see that ring again," Abby said as she sat with Victoria in the parlor. Victoria held up her hand, waggling her tiny fingers. The pink diamond caught the light and twinkled dazzlingly, making Victoria feel almost dizzy with happiness.

"It's gorgeous. Would it be weird to ask if I could try it on?" Abby asked. She laughed at Victoria's expression. "Okay, I guess it would be."

"Sorry. It's just I want to keep it close, as a reminder of Ryan, because when he's not here –"

"You worry."

"Yes," Victoria admitted with a long sigh. "I know he's not going anywhere, but there's a part of me that will probably always be scared that Tricia will break out of the state hospital somehow and do her worst - again."

"She won't. Our father has guards watching her around the clock."

"I know…"

Abby looked at the ring once more. "Anyway, how did Dad and Nikki take the news?"

"My mom was happy for me. She said there was always a part of me … You know, that seemed lost after Ryan 'died' and she was glad to see me truly happy again. And Dad… In his mind, anyone – even Ryan who married me as a teen – is better than 'Billy Boy Abbott'." Victoria clasped her hands. "I am so deliriously happy... but Billy … Abby, you know him better than I did, probably. Is he too broken-hearted?"

"Do you want the honest answer or the sugar-coated one?"

"Somewhere in between …?" Victoria said. "No, tell it to me straight here."

"He's sad – really sad - but he's trying to be strong. He's not drinking or gambling again, as far I know… He's accepted the fact that you and Ryan are a packaged deal. He told me that he just wants you to be happy. And you are happy. Anyone with eyes can see that."

Victoria nodded. "I loved Billy; in a way, I always will. He was my second chance, you know, my new beginning. But Ryan … With him, I feel like its fate."

Abby patted Victoria's arm. "That's because it is, Victoria. I just hope one day, I can have that amazing of a relationship with someone."

"You and Carmine …?"

"Old news," Abby said, waving her hand. "I really liked him but he was just so impossible!"

Victoria smirked. "That what keeps things interesting. If you like him, you shouldn't give up on him just yet."

"Oh I get it," Abby said, smirking back. "Now that you're insanely happy and like, starry-eyed, you want everyone else to be too."

Victoria nodded. "I guess, in a way I do. Everyone should have someone who takes their breath away and makes their heart race … That's honestly how Ryan makes me feel – how he's always made me feel."

Abby laughed. "You're turning into an incredible sap."

"I know. It's awful, right?"

"No, not exactly. It's nice to see you happy – truly happy. But you need to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and start planning your wedding. I call dibs on maid of honor!"


	4. Gorgeous / Honeymoon

**G – Gorgeous**

"Oh, Victoria, you look so gorgeous," Nikki enthused as she walked into the bridal vestibule at the church.

"White is not too cliché?" Victoria asked, running her hand down the front of her satiny, Forrester Original gown.

"Not at all," Nikki assured her. "How many times have I been wed in white?"

"I think there was also a blue gown and a yellow one even," Victoria teased before becoming somber.

"What's wrong, Vicki? You're not having second thoughts about everything, are you?"

"No, definitely not," Victoria said. "I am just worried, I guess."

Nikki stepped up behind her daughter and played with the soft brown tendrils of hair falling down her back. "Worried it's all too good to be true?"

"Yes," Victoria admitted, nibbling her bottom lip for a moment. "I still worry it's all an insanely awesome dream. Is that crazy?"

"Sweetheart, it's okay to be scared – terrified even – after what you've lost, but you know what will make it feel real?"

"What?"

"When you walk down that aisle and see Ryan looking at you with eyes full of love; when you hold his hand and feel his steady grip, you'll know that it's real, true, and that it will last. This isn't like before, Victoria, you'll get through the ceremony and the reception and the wedding night, of course, and go on a honeymoon, raise children together, and have a wonderful life – one out of fairytales really. You're going to make it. You two are going the distance – together, like you always should have."

Victoria looked at her mother in the mirror. "You're making me all teary-eyed."

Nikki kissed Victoria's forehead. "It's a bride's prerogative to be a little weepy on her wedding day."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Anytime."

"Are we doing this thing anytime in the next century?" Abby asked, bursting into the room. "As maid of honor, I insist you get down the aisle in the next five minutes!"

"You are such a drill sergeant," Victoria said and smiled. She climbed to her feet and hugged her mom and then Abby. "I'm so glad you two are standing up for Ryan and me."

"Of course!" Abby enthused. "I see the way you look at Ryan … It's real - and dare I say this – true love."

"Don't be such a romantic cynic," Victoria teased. She then looked between Nikki and Abby. "Alright, let's go."

"Lead the way," Abby said and they bustled out of the room. Victor and Nick were waiting for her in the foyer and Nick whistled when he saw his sister.

"You clean up nice," Nick said and hugged her. "You also look incredibly happy."

"I am," Victoria said. "Very happy."

She looked at her father. "I'm ready. Thanks for agreeing to walk me down the aisle – again."

Victor nodded. "Of course, sweetheart. You know that while I was never a very valiant supporter of Ryan McNeil, I can see that he makes you happy. It's written all over your lovely face."

"It is," Avery agreed, squeezing Nick's hand. They looked at each other and Victoria smiled. Their relationship was still very new, but they were going to have an epic love story someday, she thought. _Just like Ryan and me._

The wedding party soon assembled and they began their way down the aisle. Nick and Avery went first, followed by Abby and Carmine. Nikki led little Reed down the aisle with the pillow bearing the wedding rings. Little Faith, meanwhile, tossed flower petals from a tiny basket.

Victoria and Victor entered the chapel finally and Victoria's eyes immediately sought out Ryan's. His eyes were dancing with light and love. She offered him a radiant smile and he returned it. Neil was clasping his friend's shoulder, as if to keep Ryan from sprinting down the aisle and carrying Victoria off before the ceremony. She wouldn't have minded it, exactly, because in her mind Ryan was already her husband, but it would be nice to wear a ring with the inscription he had picked out for them _("Forever and always")._

Victor finally led her up to the altar. He kissed her cheek and then clasped Ryan and Victoria's hands together. In that moment, feeling Ryan's hands in hers, his warm skin searing her soul, she knew that her mother was right. They were going to make it – they were going to actually _thrive,_ loving each other forever and always.

* * *

**H – Honeymoon**

The wedding was beautiful, the reception amazing, and the honeymoon still better. Tahiti in autumn with the man you loved… Well, Victoria couldn't ask for anything more.

"So what are we doing today?" Victoria asked as she walked up to Ryan and slid her slender arms around his waist.

"Same thing we do every day," Ryan answered, turning in her arms to face her. He kissed her lightly on the lips. "We watch the ocean from the bed. We're making up for lost time, after all."

Victoria nodded. "So we are." He began to nibble on her collarbone and she smiled. "But –"

"But what?"

_"_ _But_ I think we need to venture outside these four walls today."

"Why would we ever want to do a thing like that?"

Victoria grinned. "Because we go home in three days and we've never so much walked on the beach here."

"Who needs to walk?" Ryan quipped. "I'd rather lie down. But you're right. We could walk down the beach, find a secluded area and make love in the sand with the waves crashing all around us."

Victoria tapped his chest. "You're insatiable."

"Alright, if you're not interested…"

"Who said I wasn't?" Victoria said teasingly. "Let's grab a shower and then go exploring."

"Great. Are we –"

"Sharing the shower? Don't we always?" Victoria said with a grin.

"Good point." Ryan picked her up and she laughed as he raced them to the bathroom for another steamy encounter.


	5. Ill / Joy

**I – Ill**

On their very last day in Tahiti, they planned to go out on the ocean on a charter boat, but it wasn't destined to happen on this trip apparently. Victoria woke up feeling incredibly ill. _Incredibly gross._ She made it to the bathroom in time to upchuck last night's meal of _poisson cru._ She hugged the toilet bowl, feeling weak.

Ryan must have heard her vomiting because he raced into the bathroom, naked as the day he was born. "Vicki, what's wrong?" He asked.

"I – I –" She broke off as she began to vomit again. Ryan, bless him, held back her hair and didn't even cringe at the bilious odor tingeing the air.

"You going to be okay?" Ryan asked when she had stopped heaving.

"Yes," Victoria said. "But I think I'd better stick close to the hotel today though. You can go on the sailing trip without me if you want."

"No way, Vicki. I'm staying here with you, where I belong."

"You're a good husband."

"Say that again."

"You're a good _husband."_

"I like the sound of that."

Vicki smiled weakly as Ryan leaned towards her. "Don't kiss me. I just threw up. I might be contagious."

"I don't think you are contagious. I think you just ate something that didn't agree with you."

"Yes, you're probably right," Victoria said as she padded to the sink. She turned on the tap water and began rinsing out her mouth. She stared at herself in the shiny mirror. Despite having just puked her guts out, she didn't look half bad. In fact, she was sort of … glowing…

Her eyes widened. She looked at Ryan's reflection in the mirror. His eyes were wide too, and sparkling. "You see it too," she said.

He nodded and hugged her lightly to him. "Yeah, I do. Vic, what if you're pregnant?"

"It's almost too much to hope for," Victoria said. "I've had fertility problems ever since Eve… Jesus. She would have been a teenager by now. Yikes. Time flies."

Ryan tucked Victoria into his body. "I know you miss her."

Victoria nodded. "I really do. Reed was my miracle… What if I'm – what if I'm pregnant, Ryan? What if I'm not?"

"There's only one way to know for sure. I'll can go to the local corner store and pick up a test."

Victoria nodded. "That's a good idea. We need to know; though we've certainly had so much sex that I _should_ be pregnant by now…. I mean, I am surprised I can walk anymore."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Victoria smiled. "Cocky, hmm?"

"You know it."

"Come on." Ryan took her by the hand and helped her into bed. He pulled the covers up to her chin. "I'll be right back."

He started for the door and Victoria coughed pointedly. "Ahem!"

"What?"

"Don't you think you should put on some clothes first?"

Ryan grinned. "I thought I felt a draft … But good point. I don't think the islanders are ready for that."

Victoria just laughed and smacked him on his bare ass.

* * *

**J – Joy**

Victoria couldn't contain her excitement, her pure joy, when Ryan picked up the test and said "You're pregnant. Oh and I think I got some of your pee on my hand," he teased. As he scrubbed his fingers under the tap, Victoria bounded over to him and grabbed him around the waist. He grasped her arms, hands still dripping wet, and pulled her tighter to him. They stared in the mirror at each other.

Victoria's eyes were sparkling, as were Ryan's, and they had twin smiles on their faces. "A baby," Ryan said.

"A baby," Victoria whispered.

"I helped parent Philip – I mean Chance, as he goes by now – for a number of years, but this is a bit different because I'll be there from the beginning," Ryan said. "This is pretty much the most amazing gift I've ever received. It's right up there with the day we reunited for good…Thank you, Vicki."

"I hardly did this alone, Ryan."

"Don't I know it? But still, you make my dreams come true every single day that we're together."

"And we'll always be together…"

"Always," Ryan said. He smiled at her in the mirror. "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

"As long as they are healthy, I don't really care."

"I feel the same way."

"But I hope he or she has your eyes."

"I hope they have yours."

"I hope he or she has your megawatt smile."

"I hope he or she has –" Ryan broke off, chuckling. "We have to stop this. We sound so hokey."

"I know," Victoria agreed. "Let's just head back to bed."

"Are you feeling up to it?"

"Yes," Victoria said. "The nausea is gone for now. And I'm not contagious apparently. Pregnancy isn't catching."

"Thank god. That would be really hard to explain."

"You're so cheesy."

"Only with you, Victoria," Ryan said as he turned around to capture her full lips in a kiss. "Only with you."


	6. Katherine / Learn

**K – Katherine**

On the plane ride home, they talked about how they were going to tell their family and friends that they were expecting. They had all kinds of elaborate ideas, but all of their plans floated away when they arrived on Genoa City soil. Nikki, Nick, and Chance met them at the airstrip, and Victoria and Ryan could tell right away that they were in somber moods. Sure they asked all the right questions ("How was your flight?"; "Was the water warm in Tahiti?" "Did you get sunburned on the beach?") but the light of true excitement didn't reach their eyes.

Victoria pulled her mom aside on the way to the limo. "Mom, what's going on? Is everything okay? Is Dad-"

"Your father is fine. He would have been here if he could have been." Victoria doubted that but didn't say so.

"Then what's going on?" Victoria finally asked in exasperation. She felt bad as she saw tears fill her mother's eyes.

"It's Katherine." Victoria knew exactly who Nikki meant. There was only one Katherine in their lives. _The_ Katherine Chancellor.

"Is she ill?"

"No. No, she's … gone."

"Oh no. She passed away?"

Nikki just nodded.

"Oh Mom," Victoria said. "I'm so sorry to hear that. Katherine was your very best friend. I can tell you're devastated." She reached out and hugged her mother. Nikki buried her teary face in Victoria's long brown tresses for a moment.

"I _am_ devastated," Nikki admitted, "although Katherine wouldn't want me to be. She went very peacefully in her sleep; she didn't suffer. Though knowing her, she would have wanted to go out in a much 'bigger' way."

"Like in a car crash, or-"

"Probably during sex."

Victoria couldn't help but laugh and Nikki joined in. "I'm sorry," Victoria apologized. "I shouldn't laugh about that."

"Don't be sorry. Katherine wouldn't want you to be. She didn't want people crying over her so I won't shed another tear. I won't. I can't."

"You're only human. You lost your closest confidant… Things won't be the same without her."

"I agree, but we'll find some way to honor her in grand style," Nikki said. She leaned on Victoria lightly as they walked the rest of the way to the limo.

Nick, Chance, and Ryan were waiting for them at the curb. Victoria pulled Ryan aside while the bags were being loaded into the trunk by their longtime driver and butler, Miguel.

"Did you hear the sad news?" Victoria asked her husband.

"About Katherine, yes." Ryan sighed. "I really thought she would outlive us all."

"Me too. God me too… Do you think if we have a girl-"

"That we could name her after Katherine?" Ryan finished her sentence. "I was thinking the same thing actually. She's always been one of our biggest cheerleaders."

"Then it's settled," Victoria said and she lightly caressed her still flat stomach before linking her arm through Ryan's and heading to the limo with the others.

* * *

**L - Learn**

"Ryan?" Victoria asked as she crawled into bed with Ryan several nights later.

Ryan put down his book – one about corporate ladder-climbing. He would return to Newman in a few days. She could tell that he was a little nervous about jumping back into the business fray head-first. "Yes?"

"You're going to do great, you know."

"Thanks for saying that, but I think I forgot more about this stuff than I realized. Things have changed a lot in the working world since I went away." He broke off as he watched her face contort in pain. He immediately grabbed for her hand.

"Talk to me here. What's on your mind?"

"You didn't just 'go away', Ryan, like on a camping trip or something. You were kidnapped. You spent years and years in captivity and I just … I need to know…"

"What?"

"How did you … God, how did you survive it?" Her big blue eyes were murky with tears. "I never asked really because I was afraid to know … I felt ashamed, too."

"Why should you feel ashamed, Vicki? You did nothing wrong, babe. Nothing."

"I moved on, Ryan. At least I tried to. I had a life; I conceived a child that wasn't yours; I got married several times …"

"Are you regretting getting back together? Is that what you're saying? Did my coming back interrupt the life you had? I mean, I ruined your wedding to Billy Abbott-"

"Shh. You did not," Victoria said. "I thought I wanted him. I mean, I did love him, but never, ever the way I loved and still love you. I just want to understand… I want to know how you survived it. There were days I didn't think I would survive you being gone, but you… You were locked away, almost completely alone. It must have been horrible."

Ryan turned on the bed so his head was resting against his bride's. "It was horrible. I counted the days, the hours, the minutes - hell, the seconds - until I could come back to you. Several times, I almost gave up. I figured that you'd probably met someone else and had babies and built a life that didn't include me. And I was fine with that but I knew I could never give up - at least not until I got to hold you just once more. It was the thought of you that kept me going through the darkest days."

"Ryan… Do you hate me for trying to move on?"

"You heard what I said right? Of course not. You thought I was never coming back. I don't blame you for trying to move forward."

"Do you ever get scared that – that bitch-" she still couldn't say Tricia's name; maybe she never would be able to –"will get out of the loony bin and come after you again?"

"I guess sometimes …Do you?"

A tear slipped down Victoria's cheek. "Yes. I am terrified that she will try something again. I've learned that when you have it all, that's when you stand to lose the most. And I do have everything I want right now. I have you, and Reed, and this baby…" She placed her hand over her still impossibly flat belly. "Just tell me; promise me – hell, lie to me if necessary … But tell me that this won't end."

"It won't. We've got forever now, Vick. That's what you are to me – my forever, my endgame."

"That's what you are to me too, Ryan… Thank you."

"For what?"

"For loving me better than anyone ever has."

"I will always love you, Mrs. McNeil."

Victoria smiled. "I love when you call me that."

"Hey, I love calling you that."

"We're turning into old saps."

"I know. We're starting to make people sick."

Victoria laughed. "They all just want what we have... Forever love."

"Forever love… I like the sound of that," Ryan said. He leaned over and kissed her. All too soon, they were cementing their love under the sheets.


	7. Memorial Service / Nursery

**M – Memorial Service**

"I will not cry; I will not cry," Nikki chanted as Victoria stood up from her seat in the second row.

Victoria squeezed her mother's shoulder reassuringly as she walked by. The air was fresh today, the sun shining bright and clear. It was the perfect day for a picnic; not a memorial service for one of the greatest women Victoria had ever known. But, just like her mother, Vicki was determined not to cry. Katherine had absolutely not wanted that. Today was a celebration of life, of love, and that couldn't be forgotten.

Victoria saw Ryan offer her a bright smile. She returned it as she approached the podium.

"Hello, everyone... friends, family," Victoria greeted the attendees. "I just wanted to take a moment to share a thought and a poem with all of you. It's a poem that gave me some comfort when Ryan –" she looked to her husband –"was … gone. I found it in my journal this morning and knew that our 'Duchess' would appreciate the sentiment."

Victoria, forcing her hands steady, began to read.

_"Death is nothing at all.  
I have only slipped away into the next room.  
I am I, and you are you,  
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.  
Call me by the old familiar name.  
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.  
Put no difference into your tone.  
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.  
Laugh as we always laughed  
At the little jokes that enjoyed together.  
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.  
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.  
Let it be spoken without an effort,  
Without the ghost of a shadow upon it.  
Life means all that it ever meant.  
It is the same as it ever was.  
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.  
What is this death but a negligible accident?  
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?  
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,  
Somewhere very near,  
Just round the corner.  
All is well."_

"That poem is by Henry Holland." Victoria looked up to see some murky eyes but mostly smiling faces. "Katherine will always be with us. Maybe we can't see her, but we can feel her in everything we do, in our hearts. She made such an impact on everyone, including me... So much so that – that Ryan and I have decided if our coming baby is a girl, that we will name her Katherine."

Gasps and smiles circulated throughout the throng of people. "Vick, you're really pregnant?" Her brother Nick piped up.

"Yes. Maybe I shouldn't have announced it here of all places, but-"

"It's fine, darling," Victor spoke next. "Katherine would have loved this. It's such an honor."

Victoria smiled and rubbed her still-flat abdomen as congratulations circulated throughout the crowd. "Thank you, everyone."

She placed a white rose underneath the new "Katherine Chancellor Park" plaque. "We love you, Katherine Chancellor," she said softly.

She returned to her seat as next, Paul Williams took the podium. Victoria slid into a chair beside Ryan. He immediately looped his arm around her slender shoulders. "Was it okay that I told everyone our news… I know we wanted to wait a bit," she whispered in his ear.

Ryan nodded, whispering back, "It's fine. In fact, it felt right to do that." He squeezed her to him as the memorial service continued forward well into the late afternoon.

* * *

**N – Nursery**

It was not even seven a.m. when the doorbell rang the following morning. Victoria looked over at Ryan who was struggling out of bed after a long night of merry-making at Katherine's wake. "Who can that be?" Victoria asked, rubbing her blurry eyes.

"No idea," Ryan said, but she thought she saw a quick, mysterious smile dart across his handsome face. He gestured to his bare chest and the boxers that were slung low on his taut hips. "You'd better go check. I'm not decent."

"So I noticed," Victoria said with a grin. "Not that I'm complaining." She shrugged on a robe as the doorbell continued to peal downstairs. "Eager, whoever it is."

She darted out of the room then and headed downstairs. "I'm coming, I'm coming," she called in response to the incessant ringing.

She opened the door and spotted none other than Abby standing there impatiently. She was dressed in a tiny peach skirt and tiny matching top. Behind her, stood Carmine and a bunch of other equally shirtless men wielding tools and rolls of wallpaper, not to mention all manner of nuts and bolts.

Victoria smiled. "Okay, Abby, who are all these-"

"Hunks?"

"Well-" Victoria smiled and nodded. Each man was more gorgeous than the last with glistening, tan, rippling muscles and washboard abs.

"You can drool, Victoria. How could you not? I mean, you're married, not a nun," Abby said. "Now stand back because there's a lot of _hard_ ware to bring inside." Abby winked at her as Victoria stepped aside.

"Okay, what's going on here? Seriously?"

"Vicki, I'm building a nursery for the new baby! What else?"

"Wow… We don't know if it's a boy or girl yet though," Victoria said.

"Luckily, I picked out lots of neutral colors. Now come on, boys," Abby said as she led the train of men into the house.

Victoria shrugged. "Alrighty then."

"Congratulations, Victoria," Carmine said as he passed her. "On the baby and all."

"Thank you."

Carmine grinned at Abby. "Which way?"

"Upstairs," Abby said as if it should be obvious. "Now come on, guys. We're burning daylight here."

They started for the stairs just as Ryan scaled-down, fully dressed now. He was smiling even as he looked bewildered. "Abby, this is –"

"Amazing?" Abby said.

"Yeah … though not exactly what I was expecting."

Victoria smiled at him knowingly. "You helped plan this?"

"It may have been my idea," he admitted.

"But I had all the right contacts!" Abby piped up territorially. "And I am going to spoil this little boy or girl rotten. Though I am hoping for a girl. Just because God knows, their clothes are so much cuter!" She and the hunk posse headed upstairs and Victoria moved to wrap her arms around Ryan's waist.

"Thank you, honey."

"For what? The Chippendales parade?" Ryan asked.

"For all of it," Victoria said.

"Did you think those guys were hot?"

"Do you want the honest answer?"

"I guess."

"Well, they _are_ nice looking, but I hardly gave them a second glance. I have the whole package right here in my arms already."

"You have to say that," Ryan laughed.

"So, do we oversee the building process or should we just let my sister go hog-wild?"

"You can oversee everything with that meticulous eye for detail of yours."

"Hey, are you calling me critical?"

"Would I ever say that?" He winked at her.

She snuggled into his embrace. "Ryan, I can't wait to have your baby."

"I can't wait either," Ryan agreed.


	8. Overflowing / Pregnancy

**O – Overflowing**

One hand rested on her aching back and the other clutched three overflowing bags of baby-related goodies. Victoria was due to deliver in less than two months and she couldn't pass a store without running inside and buying something for her soon-to-arrive little girl. She hadn't meant to go overboard shopping today but the new Forrester baby fashions she had spotted in the window of Fenmore's had tempted her too much. And then of course, she had to buy shoes, booties, blankets and more to match the clothes. She smiled at the thought. She was so happy these days. Sometimes she wondered if she even _deserved_ to be this happy.

Hands full as they were though, trying to open the door of Crimson Lights suddenly seemed like an impossible task. However, she needed her daily dose of hot chocolate and marshmallows or the baby would revolt. She wrestled with the bags but was saved from the hassle when she heard a husky voice say, "Let me help you with those."

She turned around to see none other than Billy Abbott standing there. "Victoria, hey," he said. He reached for the door handle as his eyes moved from her face down to her full belly. His crystal-blue eyes went wide. "Wow," was all he could say. No quips, no jokes. But he did offer her a smile.

"Yeah," Victoria said, a little sheepishly.

"So it happened, huh? You're having another baby."

"Yes," she said. "Either that or I swallowed a watermelon. I'm so huge."

Billy waved the thought aside. "Nah, you look really great."

"T-thanks," Victoria said. "When did you get back to town? Last I heard you were in Shanghai on business for Jabot or something."

"I was," Billy said as he opened the door for her and they walked over the threshold side by side. "But I missed Dee so much. Plus, I wanted to introduce her to Allie."

"Allie?" Victoria echoed. "Either that is a new girlfriend or a new kitten."

"The former," Billy said with a laugh. "And she's great. I think I'm really falling for her."

"I'm so glad to hear that you found someone else. I was worried after what happened with Ryan-"

"That I wouldn't be able to move forward?" Billy smiled.

"I didn't mean-"

"Hey, it's okay. _I_ didn't think I would be able to move on, but I am doing so, a little more each day. Allie is helping, distance helped… Most of all, seeing you this happy lets me know that you made the right decision."

"You really mean that?"

"Absolutely," Billy said. "I'm really happy that you're happy."

"Thank you, Billy. Thank you so much." Victoria offered him a brief hug and smiled against his shoulder. Her romantic feelings for him had dissipated by now, but she liked to think, that they could still be close in a different way. He had saved her at a really dark time in her life and she would always appreciate that.

A part of her had felt guilty for leaving Billy behind and now she knew, looking into his eyes, that he was going to be okay. That things had worked out just the way they were meant to.

* * *

**P – Pregnancy**

Victoria was enjoying her pregnancy immensely. The morning sickness had long since subsided, the nursery was all stocked and ready to go, thanks to Abby and her parade of hunks, and Ryan read to the baby every night with his hand on her protruding belly. She was due to deliver in less than a month and felt better than ever.

The only problem was that her cravings were getting odder and odder and Ryan was no longer surprised when she woke him up in the middle of the night asking him to run to the corner store for sweet pickles and ice cream or sardines and sticky taffy. Her days of being satisfied with hot chocolate and marshmallows were past. This baby was hungry and Victoria was ten pounds larger than she should be because of it.

That night, she dreamt about sitting at a huge table heaped with food as far as the eye could see. In her dream she filled her plate to overflowing but gravitated continually to the cheese platter. She woke up with the taste of salty cheese on her lips and immediately rolled over, tapping Ryan's shoulder. He slept in his tee-shirt and shorts now because he was used to these late night runs by now … _almost._

He rubbed his eyes in the darkness. "Vick, what is it this time?"

"I am craving a huge, medium-rare hamburger heaped with Swiss cheese and French fries."

"French fries, hamburger, Swiss cheese. Got it."

"Oh and a mint-Oreo chocolate shake to go with it."

"Alrighty then."

"Oh and the fries should go right in the middle of the burger… God I'm so gluttonous! What is Katherine Junior doing to me?"

"Keeping us up at night," Ryan grumbled but she knew that he wasn't really mad.

He sat up and started searching for his tennis shoes underneath the four-poster bed.

"Thanks, Ryan. I don't know how you can love a needy whale but somehow you do."

"You're not needy and you're not a whale. I am happy to do this kind of stuff for you."

Victoria smiled. "I know because you're amazing that way. But once this baby comes, I am going on a strict diet. No one will take a fat business executive seriously."

"You're going back to work?"

Victoria realized that they hadn't really talked about this. "Yeah, I just thought …" Her voice trailed off for a moment. "I know you probably want me to stay home with the kids but –"

"But you don't feel quite complete without your work. I get it and I'm fine with it."

"We need to talk about getting a nanny then."

"Yes, but not at three a.m. in the morning. I am going to go find your food and then I'm crashing for the next few weeks."

"Am I making you that tired?"

"No… Truth is, I am not sleeping that well myself."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm worried."

"About what? Dr. Winters said that everything is completely normal with the pregnancy, that despite the weight I've gained-"

"It's not any of that. I am having … nightmares. A lot of them. I know that it's dumb to be so affected by them but-"

"What are you dreaming about anyway?" She reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. "Level with me here, Ryan."

"I keep having this recurring nightmare where Tricia has broken out of the nut house and has kidnapped you and our daughter. She plans to kill you and take the baby where she could never be found."

"Oh god, Ryan, I had no idea you were dreaming that kind of stuff!"

"It's dumb. I know we're safe. That I would never let anything happen to you or our baby but-"

Victoria sighed softly. She hadn't realized until that moment that Ryan might be as affected - if not more so - than she was about what Tricia and her father had done. Ryan had been locked away from human contact for years. Of course, he would feel upset. How could she have failed to see that? Was she blind or just incredibly selfish?

"Ryan, it's not dumb. I should have figured this out a long time ago. I'm an idiot."

"You are not, Vicki. You never have been."

"I've been so focused on everything that I never really stopped to ask you what happened. I think I was afraid to know but we can talk now, can't we?"

"You're hungry."

"Making you feel better trumps gorging on fattening hamburgers and fries any day."

He shrugged. "It's okay, really. I need to go out and clear my head anyway. Just lock up after me okay? Put on the alarm. Don't answer the door for anyone."

Victoria rested her face in the cradle of his neck. "Okay, but are you going to be alright? Really?"

"I will be," Ryan said. "It's silly and I'm sure these dreams will stop any time now."

Victoria watched him move for the door. "I love you, Ryan McNeil," she called after him. He had to know that he was the one; that he was her soulmate and no one would ever compare. "You're the only one for me. Come back to me."

He nodded. "I love you too and I'll always come back to you. I promise you that."

Then he was gone and tears filled Victoria's eyes. She knew then that Ryan needed help but she wasn't sure how to get him the help he needed, or if he would, proud and stubborn man that he was, accept it.


	9. Quack / Remorseful

**Q - Quack**

The letter arrived in the afternoon mail. He almost didn't see it amongst the stack of bills and advertisements. Fortunately, he did find it before Victoria could. He immediately pocketed it and tried not to let his face betray the rage he was feeling - the rage and the fear for his little family. Victoria noticed his taut expression though - the grim pursing of his lips - and called him on his mood, but he assured her that it had just been a long day at the office. He was fine; _they_ were fine, he insisted.

It was only hours later, when Victoria was resting comfortably downstairs, that he was able to remove the envelope from his pocket. His hands shook against his will. He should not be this affected by a simple letter and yet he peeled the envelope open slowly, as if he expected something deadly to leap out at him. What did Tricia want? Hadn't she done enough damage? Why couldn't she leave them well enough alone?

The letter was from a doctor at a sanitarium called Oak Haven. Tricia had apparently convinced this Dr. Grayson that she was not only "stable" but that she "wanted to make amends". Dr. Grayson wrote that it was "imperative" that Ryan come see Tricia immediately. "Time is of the essence," he said.

Ryan couldn't believe that Tricia had managed to convince some quack that she was well. No, scratch that. He _could_ believe it. For years, he had mistakenly believed that she was a sweet, humble, loving woman. He'd never dreamed back then that she could be capable of what she had actually done. Did this Dr. Grayson even know that she had allowed her father to hold him captive for almost a decade? Did he care?

A cold sweat dampened Ryan's neck. Ryan was worried for his family - for Victoria, for their coming child, and Reed too. It was like all of his nightmares were being realized.

Tricia could not be trusted. If she ever got out of Oak Haven… No, he didn't even want to think about that. It made him feel physically ill.

Rage - fresh rage - and hatred filled his soul and he ended up shredding the envelope and its contents into at least a hundred tiny pieces before burying them at the bottom of the wastebasket. He was still stewing when Victoria appeared in the doorway, but he tried to play it off. There was no reason to worry her; not in her fragile last month of pregnancy, not when she looked as happy as she did.

He instinctively moved to her and hugged her to him, perhaps a little tighter than he should have. He would never let her go. _Never again._

* * *

**R - Remorseful**

"What the hell am I doing here?" Ryan asked himself, not for the first time, as he sat in an empty waiting room. Through a glass panel, he could see an old, toothless man sitting in a wheelchair talking to himself and pulling at what remained of his salt and pepper hair.

Ryan shifted on the hard seat. "Why did I come?" He asked but then he considered that if he didn't quit talking to himself, someone was going to mistake him for one of these sick patients and lock him away for the rest of his life... As if he hadn't been in captivity long enough… All thanks to Tricia and her pathetic obsession. She would probably still do anything to keep Ryan and Victoria from being together…

And yet there he was, at Oak Haven, about to see her again after all of these years. It would take all of his willpower not to kill her with his bare hands. Again, he asked himself why he had come, especially because Victoria had no idea that he was even there. He had left her a note while she was napping, saying that he was going out for a drive. He felt guilty about lying to her but he also rationalized that he didn't want her to be scared for him anymore. She already thought that he was falling apart. His nightmares had ratcheted up in intensity since he had received the letter from Tricia's doctor. His own screams woke them both up every night now. Victoria knew that his edges were rapidly fraying and she was no doubt worried that he would explode one day.

His thoughts were interrupted by someone calling his name. "Mr. McNeil?" A man with gray hair and kindly features approached him. He offered Ryan his hand. "I'm Dr. Grayson. I am glad you could come."

Ryan didn't return the handshake. "Can I be honest and say that I'm not?" Ryan asked. He looked longingly towards the entrance… towards freedom...

"Say whatever you feel. No judgments," Dr. Grayson said. He gestured for Ryan to follow him down a long stretch of gray hallway. "Please come to my office. I would like to speak with you in confidence before you see Tricia."

_See Tricia,_ Ryan mused. He was actually going to see Tricia again. The thought made him sick to his stomach and he flinched involuntarily.

Dr. Grayson must have read the expression on Ryan's face, because he said, "I can assure you that Tricia Dennison is of no threat to you or anyone else anymore."

"You'll have to forgive me if I'm skeptical about that. She had her father hold me captive for damn near a decade," Ryan said. "All to keep me away from my wife. If she couldn't have me, she certainly didn't want anyone else to either."

Dr. Grayson nodded in understanding as he opened a door and led Ryan into a small, clutter-free office. Various degrees and plaques were hung on the wall and Ryan read every one of them, looking for some sign that this guy had gotten his license out of a Cracker Jack box. Why else would he so easily believe that Tricia was no longer a danger to anyone?

"I suppose it would surprise you to know that Tricia's father planned to kill you."

Ryan blanched. _"_ _What?"_

"When Mr. Dennison got cancer…When he knew he wasn't long for the world, he told Tricia he was going to … expose of you, as it were ... so that no one could ever trace what they had done back to Tricia. It was Tricia who convinced her father to finally let you go."

Ryan swallowed over the hard knot in his throat. His voice came out sounding hoarse and full of anger. "Really? Well, I guess I should bow down and thank the great Tricia for deigning to save my pitiful little life after she tried to steal it in the first place. I should be grateful to her, shouldn't I?"

"No, not at all. But she is genuinely sorry for what she did, Mr. McNeil. She would like to tell you so herself. She would like -"

"To hell with what she would like! To hell with her!" Ryan spat. "Are you as crazy as she is, Doctor? Because there is no way she can ever make up for what she did. I don't care if she's sorry now. She took away years of my life and left my wife in mourning .. I can't forgive her for that." He shoved a chair out of the way to get to the door. "It was obviously a huge mistake coming here."

"Wait, Mr. McNeil!" The doctor called to him, following him out into the hallway. "You don't have to forgive her but her final wish is to see you before it's too late. Can't you grant a dying woman - even one who committed a multitude of odious deeds - the chance to rest in peace?"

Ryan's heart plummeted right into the soles of his shoes and he whirled to look at the doctor. "Tricia's dying? You're going to stand there and tell me that she's dying? Tricia is no more dying than I am. This is obviously some twisted ploy she came up with to get me to come here. I am out of here!"

"Mr. McNeil, I assure you that it is the truth. Tricia is dying and she might not last another month."

"Good!" Ryan shouted. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. He wanted to run out of there but somehow still held his ground. "If she's really dying like you say, why isn't she in a medical hospital?"

"We're treating her as best as we can here, trying to manage her pain level. There's nothing traditional medicine can do for her anymore though."

"Why are you saying all of this?" Ryan demanded.

"Because it's the truth. Tricia Dennison doesn't have a lot of time left. She wants to tell you herself how sorry she is, how remorseful… Will you give her that chance?"


	10. Salvation / Truth

**S - Salvation**

Ryan shook his head. He didn't know why he was entertaining this conversation but he was. "So she's supposedly dying … With what, exactly?"

"Scleroderma… It's an autoimmune disease where the body quite literally attacks itself - resulting in hardening of the skin, tendons, and ultimately it shrinks one's internal organs until complications set in… Shortness of breath, pain, decreased mobility… It's the end stage for Tricia. None of the treatments have worked and only comfort measures are left to be done."

Ryan didn't know how to react. He felt though as if his legs would go out from under him any moment. He reached out to steady himself against the wall. "You're not lying about this, are you? This isn't some elaborate ploy to lure me here and trap me and -"

Dr. Grayson shook his head, looking at Ryan as if he thought he were one of his uber-paranoid patients, expecting something horrible to jump out from behind him at any moment. Ryan was half tempted to believe that was the case…

"Take me to her. Take me to Tricia. I want to see her for myself," Ryan blurted out, almost against his own will.

Dr. Grayson nodded. "Alright. I can't tell you how to react but do try to remember she is suffering so much pain-"

"She made me suffer too, Doctor. She made me lose years of my life. My wife tells me she quietly mourned for me every day…"

"Tricia is aware of that. She wants to tell you herself that she made a mistake."

"A mistake. Pfft," Ryan muttered. "A mistake is forgetting to pick up bread on the way home like your wife asked you to… What Tricia and her father did was cold and calculating and sick."

Dr. Grayson nodded. "She is the last person to deny that, I promise you." He gestured forwards. "Shall we?"

Ryan sighed. "Lead the way."

Every footstep Ryan took was slow and sluggish. He felt as if he were being lead to the guillotine. He had second-guessed his decision to come here at least two hundred times just by the time they had boarded the elevator. Dr. Grayson used a key to unlock the doors and they didn't look at each other as they began their trip to the tenth floor. Ryan watched the numbers climb, feeling sick with trepidation with each number that passed.

8...9… 10… _They were there._

They stepped off of the elevator and Ryan immediately noticed patients in gowns and rumpled clothed staring at him as if he were an alien from another planet. One man stared right at him and pointed and mumbled something about "the devil incarnate." Ryan shivered in spite of himself, choosing to blame it on the high air conditioning circling through the place.

He followed Dr. Grayson to a door clear at the end of the hallway. Room 1066. Ryan thought he would see those numbers forever in his nightmares.

"Are you ready?" Dr. Grayson asked, looking at him earnestly.

"Can anyone ever be ready to confront their kidnapper? Their would-be killer?"

Dr. Grayson didn't say anything; just nodded. He pushed back the door. Ryan closed his eyes for a moment, not wanting to see, refusing to. He heard Dr. Grayson talking to someone he called "Nurse Barry" and then someone was shuffling past him.

Finally, he heard a low, raspy voice call out to him. "Ry-Ryan, you came!" She coughed and sputtered. Ryan opened his eyes. He looked at Tricia. At least he thought it was Tricia. She looked so different, more so than he could have anticipated. The skin on her arms was leathery, a deep brown, quite a contrast from the soft, pale skin he remembered. Her face was craggy and she looked far older than her years. Her white-blonde hair was far thinner than he remembered it being too.

"Ry-Ryan," she rasped out again. "Please come closer. Let me see you better."

Ryan hesitated but finally stepped over the threshold. He got an even closer look at her and it was horrifying. When he'd last seen her, she'd been so beautiful, so youthful. So much so that one could not have guessed that she was a killer and a kidnapper unless they met her wrath. She had been deceptively serene in her looks, which was why he hadn't taken her seriously until it was much too late. Now she truly looked like someone who really could have done the evil things that she had.

"Ryan, say something," she pleaded. "Even if you yell at me; just say something."

Ryan swallowed hard over the lump in his throat. "What do you expect me to say, Tricia?" He asked.

"I know you. You want to tell me how I destroyed your life."

'You don't know me, Tricia. You never did." So what if she was right about him wanting to curse her the hell out? It didn't mean she knew him or understood him.

"I am sorry, Ryan. I am so sorry. If I could go back and do everything differently, I swear I would," Tricia said and tears welled in her eyes. He willed himself not to be moved by them. She was a manipulator. That's just who she was.

"You can't change the past, Tricia," Ryan said in a steely voice. "You stole nearly a decade from me and from my wife. Yes, my wife. She's my wife again. Victoria is the one I love and she will always be the one I love." He wanted to twist that proverbial knife deep into her belly and he was rewarded when tears dashed down her cheeks. Except he didn't feel rewarded. He hadn't won anything at all.

"I know. But I was sick, Ryan. For a lot of years, I was sick. You have to understand -"

"I don't."

"Can't you just try to forgive me? Ryan, I'm dying," she cried and coughed at the same time. "You can see that as plain as day. All I want is -"

"Absolution."

"No. I want - I want forgiveness, Ryan. I am so sorry for what I did. Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did to you and to Victoria."

"Really?"

"I mean it."

"I don't believe you. You may be dying but somehow this feels like a manipulation to me."

"How?"

"I - I don't know. It just does. I don't trust you, Tricia. I never will again. I made that mistake once and look what it cost me - everything."

Another tear dashed down Tricia's face. "I know. And I'm -"

"Don't say you're sorry again. Just don't."

"Ryan, please. I just want to die in peace. That's what I am doing - dying every day in agony. Just look at me. Do I look well?"

"No…"

"All I want is to die knowing you don't hate me forever. I want … salvation. And the only way I can get that is if you promise you won't hate me anymore, that you won't curse my name when I'm gone."

"I can't promise you any of that. You must still be crazy if you think -" He broke off when he saw Dr. Grayson's expression tighten.

"Can't you try?" Tricia asked. "I can't go in peace if I know you hate me."

Ryan looked her in the eyes this time, really looked at her, saw her for the first time so clearly that it rocked him to the core. "I don't - I don't hate you, Tricia," he said, shocking himself. "I pity you."

"Ryan, please."

"I do feel sorry for you," Ryan said, surprising himself again because it was true. He felt sorry for this poor, pathetic, sick person. "I will never, ever forget what you did, Tricia. I can't. It's seared into my memory, into my soul, but I choose … I choose not to hate you anymore. What you're enduring - what you might still endure - is punishment enough."

"Ryan…." She sobbed. Her sobs were coupled with fierce coughs. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." She kept repeating those three words over and over until he had a huge, throbbing headache. Ryan thought that maybe, just maybe, she was truly sorry. He didn't know for sure, but he had to stop hating her, if only for Victoria's sake. The hatred was eating him up inside, keeping him awake at nights, scaring Victoria… He would let go of his hatred because Victoria deserved better than half of a man.

Through her tears, she reached blindly for his hand and he allowed her to wrap her feeble, dry fingers around his. He wanted to vomit but he let her. "Thank you, Ryan. Thank you for coming here and for not hating me anymore."

Ryan nodded and slipped his hand free, shoving it into his pocket. He was shaking all over. "Will you visit me again, Ryan?" She asked.

"I don't think so, Tricia," Ryan said. "I've done all that I can do for you. I've given you as much as I can give. Please don't ask for any more than I'm capable of."

Tricia nodded. Even that simple act looked painful. "Okay, fair enough. I guess this is 'goodbye' then."

Ryan nodded too. "Yes, it is." He looked at her once more and started for the door. "Goodbye, Tricia," he said. He dared to look back once and saw her crying into her brown hands. "Goodbye."

He walked out of the room and fell against the nearest wall, panting, trying to suck in as many greedy breaths as he could. Dr. Grayson closed Tricia's door and then moved over to him.

"It was a brave thing you did today, Mr. McNeil. You gave peace to the dying. God bless you."

Ryan didn't reply. He said nothing the rest of the ride down in the elevator, nor did he speak when Dr. Grayson bid him a soft "farewell". He just moved as quickly as he could for the exit. He burst through the door, out into the bright, blinding sunshine, and nearly cried with relief. He was free. Victoria was free.  
 _  
Finally._

* * *

**T - Truth**

Victoria was due to deliver in just two days and she was feeling achy and fatigued and irritable as hell. The baby seemed to be sitting on her spine at all times, which was incredibly uncomfortable and actually, quite painful, if she were to be honest.

Worse, Ryan was suddenly avoiding her. He didn't touch her or kiss her or really even talk to her at all anymore. She could actually pinpoint when this gulf between them had appeared. About a week ago, she had awoken from a nap to find him gone and when he returned, he had offered no explanation as to where he had went. He'd been very distant ever since. He was actually sleeping on the sofa and she had no clue why he was suddenly withdrawing from her. It made her feel vulnerable and pathetic and she hated those feelings more than any other. Her father had not raised a weakling in Victoria, so why was she so afraid to go to Ryan and demand he tell her what was going on?

"I'm not scared," Victoria told herself as she moved off the chair in the kitchenette. "Whatever Ryan is hiding, I need to know so I can face it head-on. No more beating around the bush. That's not who I am." She gave herself a mental pep talk as she slowly climbed the stairs, gripping the railing tightly to heave herself upwards.

"Whatever Ryan has to say, we'll deal with it. Alright, little one?" Victoria said as she reached the landing and touched her incredibly huge stomach. "Just let's hope your daddy isn't thinking of leaving us… Don't worry though. He wouldn't. I can't believe I even went there. Your daddy loves us and nothing will ever change that. He fought hell itself to come back to us."

Victoria squared her shoulders determinedly and pushed back the bedroom door. "Ry-" She started but broke off as she spotted him sitting on the edge of the bed, one hand white-knuckling the mattress.

Ryan seemed not to notice that she was even there at first. He had the house telephone pressed between his shoulder and ear. "You're sure, Dr. Grayson? This isn't some kind of trick, is it?"

Victoria watched in shock as a tear rolled down Ryan's cheek and he dashed at it. "Thanks for letting me know… Yes, thank you. This means a lot." Ryan put the phone back into its cradle and looked up at Victoria, finally seeming to see her again. "I can't believe it."

"You can't believe what?" Victoria asked, settling her hands on her abdomen and watching him curiously. "Ryan, talk to me. Who is Dr. Grayson? Are you ill or-"

Ryan shook his head. He moved to his feet and took her hands lightly in his. He guided her over to the bed. "You'll want to sit down for this one."

"Ryan, what is going on?" Victoria asked impatiently. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. I'm better than okay. We all are." He nudged her down onto the bed and came to sit beside her. He reached over and placed his hands on either side of her face. "We're free, Vick. We're finally free."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Tricia-" He paused for a moment when he saw her flinch involuntarily at hearing that name. "No, this is good news for us. Tricia is gone, Victoria. She's dead. She can't hurt us anymore."

"What?" Victoria's heart started to hammer in her chest like a kick drum. She felt light-headed and woozy and was glad that she was sitting down or she certainly would have slumped to the floor. Hot tears burned the backs of her eyes. "Are you serious?"

"Yes. Dr. Grayson told me and I believe him. She can't hurt us anymore, baby. She's gone forever."

A tear slid down Victoria's cheek, then another, and still another. "Who's Dr. Grayson? How do you know you can trust this guy?"

Ryan sighed. "The truth? I know I can because ... I saw Tricia for myself. I saw what a terrible state she was in. She was literally wasting away before my eyes. I knew she didn't have much time left."

"You saw - you saw her?" Victoria couldn't believe what she was hearing. "When? _Why?"_

"Dr. Grayson is - _was_ \- Tricia's psychiatrist. He wrote me a letter recently, saying that time was of the essence and would I please come see Tricia. I battled with the decision for days and finally last week, I got up the courage to go to the state hospital. I saw for myself that she wasn't faking, that it wasn't some kind of trick or mindgame."

Victoria was rocked to the core and for a long moment she couldn't speak. Ryan tried to dab at her tears but she pushed his hands away. "Don't."

"Vick, what's wrong?"

"You should have told me, Ryan," Victoria spat in a louder voice than she had intended. "That's where you went last week and that's why you've been avoiding me ever since, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"But nothing, Ryan. I thought - I thought I did something to push you away. I felt weak and small and pathetic and -"

"Victoria, I'm sorry. I just had a lot on my mind."

"Obviously, but don't you think you should have told me? Husbands and wives aren't supposed to keep secrets from each other. They're supposed to share in each other's sorrows and joys and lift each other up; they're supposed to trust each other."

"I trust you with my life."

"Then why not tell me? Why not tell me you went to see her - that horrible woman who God - God! I hope she's burning in hell right now." Victoria's voice shook, tears streamed down her face, and her whole body quaked. "You should have told me. We should have faced this together."

"I didn't want to concern you, Vick. That's all this was about," Ryan said desperately.

"Well, consider me concerned," Victoria spat. She started to get to her feet and felt her legs trembling underneath her. She was shaking fiercely and she couldn't calm down. She knew she needed to calm down for the sake of the baby, but she couldn't. She simply couldn't. She didn't know why she was so upset, but she was.

She felt woozy and lightheaded and completely out of sorts. A pain suddenly ripped through her abdomen. A fierce, shuddering pain that she had never felt the likes of before. "Ryan," she gasped out before everything started to fade to blackness. "The baby… Ohmigod, the baby…"


	11. Unbelievable / Victory

**U - Unbelievable**

There was blood, lots of blood. Too much blood. Ryan saw the crimson as it seeped endlessly, stained the front of Victoria's pale blue maternity dress, plastering the material to the skin of her legs. He saw the ashen white of her face. The light fading in her beautiful blue eyes as she blinked at him and then her eyelids slammed shut.

He could hear himself screaming her name but it sounded so very far away, nearly silenced by the loud roar of panic in his ears. He vaguely remembered lifting her onto the bed and dialing 911. He remembered pushing up her dress and seeing … God, he wasn't sure what he was looking for. There was just so much blood. And it made him want to cry and rail at someone but in his mind, he had only himself to blame for this. He shouldn't have tried to keep a secret from Vicki. He knew how she felt about that kind of shit.

The ambulance seemed to take an inordinately long time to arrive. The paramedics came upstairs and found Ryan holding his wife closely in his arms. He had the strongest urge to gently rock her back and forth, but he didn't dare, fearing he would hurt her still worse. Tears stained his cheeks and her name was on his lips. He tried explaining how Victoria had collapsed but he didn't even understand it himself. He held her limp hand as she was placed on the stretcher, followed behind it as the medics eased it down the stairs, watched in panic, heart slamming painfully against his ribcage as she was hooked up to an IV, an oxygen mask placed over her pretty, pale face.

They asked him questions, lots of questions, but he couldn't have begun to remember what he said. He road in the back of the ambulance with her, gripping her fingers in his, willing her to wake up. At one point, she did come around to consciousness, trying to feel in vain for her stomach, but she was too weak to lift her arms. She asked if the baby was alright as she cried that it hurt, she hurt, the baby the baby... And then she was passed out again, faded into the blackness gathering in his mind. If she didn't survive this … If their baby didn't…

_No,_ he told himself. _Don't go there._

Once they arrived at the hospital, he jumped out and ran along side her. Dr. Olivia Winters took over from there and though he screamed for his wife, he was pushed out of the exam room, the door shut firmly in his face by a burly orderly.

He didn't remember what happened next. He must have called Nikki and Victor because they showed up at some point, Victor demanding answers in that commanding way of his, answers that Ryan couldn't offer him. Nikki was barely holding it together.

Other relatives started to filter in - Nick with his fiancee Avery, Abby with her on-and-off again boyfriend Carmine. Even the prodigal son Adam showed up.

He heard the words c-section bandied about, hemorrhaging, possible hysterectomy. They all made him feel unbelievably sick to his stomach. Pain was squeezing his chest. He finally was allowed to go back to see Victoria. He was told the baby was here, a little girl, healthy and perfect, he was assured. But Victoria had lost so much blood. They couldn't stop it for the longest time.

Ryan sat beside Victoria with a fussing little pink bundle in his arms. His wife was in a coma and it seemed that no one knew if she would actually wake up.

His heart was broken. He kept begging her to wake up, telling her to open her beautiful eyes, to see their beautiful baby, what their love had created. He sat there for hours, unable and unwilling to leave her side, as her relatives came in one at a time to offer their support and love. Nikki said she was going to the chapel to pray. At least he thought it was Nikki. He couldn't think straight anymore. All he knew was that Victoria, his Victoria, was hurt. Victoria was unresponsive. Victoria might … She could… No, he couldn't think it. They belonged together. They had fought so hard to be together; too hard to lose it all now...

"Wake up, Vick," he whispered. "Please wake up. If not for me, then for this little baby girl. She needs her mother. _Please, please…"_

* * *

**V - Victory**

It had been three days. Three long, agonizing days in which he had only left Victoria's side when he absolutely had to. He could tell that the doctors were at wit's end, that even they didn't have a clue how to awaken Victoria. If they were losing hope and all they could tell Ryan was that he should pray and keep praying, then that was a bad sign. He knew it was. He was losing hope too, very quickly. His doubts and self-recriminations kept him pacing her room endlessly, just talking to her, talking and reminiscing, and begging her to open her eyes.

As evening rolled around, he felt more and more despondent. The light was fading away. His hopes were dying along with it; his fears were settling in for a long roost. He needed his wife; he needed his Vicki to come back to him. He needed her but knew her children needed her still more.

Nikki came into the room, carrying Ryan and Victoria's little girl. The baby didn't even have an official name yet. Ryan and Victoria had talked about calling her Katherine in honor of their late friend, the Duchess as she was known to many, but it didn't feel right to call the baby that until Victoria could bestow the name herself. They didn't have a middle name picked out yet either.

Nikki carefully handed the baby to Ryan and he bit his lip to hold back more tears. He had cried more in the last three days than he ever had during the rest of his years on earth.

_Victoria, I need you._

Nikki moved to Victoria's bedside and slipped into the chair next to her, reaching for her daughter's limp hand. "Victoria, it's your mother, sweetheart. Everyone's so worried about you. You need to come back to us. You need to fight this. You need to remember who you are - a Newman - and Newmans are made of the strongest stock. So fight, baby, fight. Fight for your little girl and Reed, and your husband, and everyone who loves you, alright?" Tears slid down Nikki's cheeks, one right after the other. "Come on, Victoria. Wake up, sweetheart. We all need and love you so much."

Ryan watched Victoria's face closely for any sign of movement, for the slightest fluttering of an eyelash or even the twitch of her nose. There was nothing. She was so calm, so still, he was almost afraid that she was already gone. Even as much as he hated to think it, he was almost sure he had already lost her.

He carried the baby over to Nikki. "I don't know what to do, Nikki," Ryan said despondently.

"Me either," Nikki admitted. "But we can't give up. Victoria is strong, the strongest person I've ever known. My daughter will fight this and beat it."

Ryan nodded his agreement though inside he had his doubts. Nikki took the little girl and rocked her gently against her ample bosom. "Victoria's missing all of these precious moments with her new baby," Nikki said. "I can't believe it."

"This is my fault. If I just would have been honest about going to see Tricia-"

"Ryan, when horrible things happen, we look for someone to blame - often ourselves - but this wasn't your doing. Victoria had ecamplasia. You heard Dr. Winters. It came on swiftly and that's what caused this."

"Nikki, how am I supposed to look her in the face if - I mean, _when_ \- she wakes up? How am I supposed to tell her that she might never be able to have another child because of this?"

"You will face that together. For now, we just need to get her to open her eyes so please, please don't give up. Keep talking to her. Let her know you're there. I know she can hear you."

Ryan noddled. He dropped to his knees on the hard floor and gripped Victoria's hand as tightly as he dared. "Vicki, you've got to wake up. When I picture a life, it's always with you included in the picture. In fact, you're right smack, dab in the middle of every dream and wish that I have ever had. You're my endgame, Victoria. You're my everything…. And you want to know what victory means for me? You, Vicki, you. With me. With our little family. We can win this. We beat everything that life has thrown our way so far. And I know we can beat this too. You just need to wake up. You need to turn those gorgeous blue eyes on me. Then we'll have it all. I promise… Please, _please_ come back to me. I can't do this without you, honey. I can't. I can't imagine a life you're not apart of. I don't want to. So come back to me, come back to everyone who loves you. Please."

A new tear slid down Ryan's cheek and he pressed his face gently against Victoria's side as a sob welled up on his lips. His tears dampened her gown but he couldn't stop them from falling. He felt Nikki squeeze his shoulder at one point, but he was too lost in his fears, in his guilt, in his pain, to find comfort in the simple touch of another caring human being. All he wanted was his Vicki back. That was all he needed.

"Ryan!" Nikki's voice somehow penetrated the darkness swirling inside of his head. _"RYAN!"_

"What?" He asked, looking up at his mother-in-law. Nikki was on her feet, pointing at Victoria.

"Look at her fingers. Victoria - she's moving her fingers!"

Ryan immediately looked at Victoria's free hand. Sure enough, her fingers were flexing. "Ohmigod," he whispered, and then louder, "Vicki! Vicki! Wake up, honey. You can do this. You're almost there.

He hopped to his feet and held out his arms to Nikki. She seemed to understand what he was about to do. She passed him the cooing baby girl and Ryan turned and placed the baby gently against Victoria's side. "Vick," he said. "Do you feel that? That warm little bundle is your daughter. That's your little girl and she needs her Mom. So come on, open your eyes. She needs you to see her finally."

Ryan and Nikki watched Victoria's placid face expectantly. Finally, though it seemed to take an agonizingly long time, Victoria's lashes began to flutter and then she was slowly opening her eyes. She blinked once, twice, three times, as if letting her eyes adjust to the bright lights of the hospital room.

"Ryan?" She said in a scratchy voice.

"Yes, honey, I'm here. I'm here, baby. And your mom is too, and your daughter. Our little girl."

Victoria looked at the baby pressed to her side. The baby lifted her bright blue eyes and stared at her mom, as if recognizing the woman who had carried her and protected for nearly nine whole months. "She's beautiful," Victoria choked out. "She's perfect."

"She is," Ryan agreed. "And so are you. I love you, Vick. Thank you for coming back to us."

Victoria smiled almost dreamily. "As if I would have missed all of this…"


	12. Wonder / Xerox Copy

**W - Wonder**

Victoria was poked and prodded thoroughly over the next several hours before Dr. Winters finally declared her to be _"in surprisingly good condition"._ Barring any unforeseen complications, Victoria was told, she could go home within a week or two, at most. The only thing that remained in doubt was whether she could ever carry another child to term. She was scheduled to see a specialist soon to find out the truth, but the mere idea that she could never have another child made her heartsick. It plagued her soul. Tears burned the back of her eyes as a nurse's aid helped her back into bed.

Ryan, being Ryan, seemed to know exactly what she needed the most in that moment. Once the aid was gone, he tucked the covers gingerly around her, pressed a little kiss to her forehead, and gently lifted their sleeping baby girl from her isolette. He carried her over to Victoria and she opened her arms straightaway, settling the slumbering tot against her breasts. Watching the rise and fall of her little girl's chest, she found that it was rather difficult to stay in a solemn mood.

"She's amazing," Victoria finally spoke, unmistakable awe evident in her voice. She traced the soft curve of the baby's pink cheeks. "No, she's perfect."

"Just like her mom," Ryan said.

Victoria smiled tiredly. "Well, I don't know how amazing and perfect that I feel right now…"

Ryan nodded. "I bet you're exhausted."

"I am, which makes no sense because I've essentially been asleep for days."

"It makes a lot of sense, Victoria. Your body… it went through hell. _You_ went through hell to bring this little one into the world… And when I think how I am responsible-"

"Ryan," Victoria interrupted, "you are _not_ responsible for what happened. You heard Olivia. It was nature that turned against me; not you."

"If I would have just told you the truth from the beginning…"

"You still wouldn't have been able to prevent this. While I wish you'd been completely honest with me, I can't and I don't blame you for something that was out of your control."

Ryan's eyes welled with noticeable tears and he ducked his head. Victoria carefully juggled the baby in one arm and reached for his hand with the other. "Stop."

"Stop, what?"

"Beating down on yourself, okay? Because that's only going to hold you back. It's only going to hold all of us back, actually. And I happen to think we can still be amazing together, like we always were. You have to forgive yourself, Ryan."

"I don't know if I can."

"You _have_ to. Because I need you to be here, with me, two hundred percent. Our baby needs that too."

Ryan nodded. "I'll try."

"Please do." Victoria offered him another tired smile. "Now what are we going to call her, officially?"

"Do you still like the idea of Katherine?"

"Yes, I do," Victoria said. "Katherine was the kind of woman any girl could proudly emulate."

"Katherine it is then...Katherine _Victoria."_

"Katherine… Victoria?" She echoed.

Ryan nodded again. "Yes. Because you're the strongest woman I know; the bravest… And the most wonderful… Our baby … If she grows up to have even a _nth_ of your qualities, she will be completely unstoppable. She might even save the world; find a cure for cancer or AIDs... Who knows, maybe she'll become the first female president..."

A grin tugged at Victoria's lips. "Maybe, but I kind of would like for her to stay a baby for a little while."

"I can definitely live with that," Ryan said with a grin in return. He swiped at his eyes. "So Katherine Victoria Newman-McNeil?"

Victoria nodded. "It _does_ have a nice ring to it," she admitted. "Welcome to the world, Katherine."

The baby opened her eyes then, almost as if she had been summoned. Victoria chuckled softly. "She knows her name, Ryan. She knows who she is."

"Yes, she does."

"Do you think she knows how much we already love her?" Victoria asked.

"If she doesn't, we can certainly tell her and show her every chance that we get."

Victoria feathered her fingers in the baby's soft, dark locks of hair. "I love you," she whispered, a well of emotion suddenly clogging her throat. "I love you so much, baby girl."

A little tear trickled down her cheek. "Vick, you're crying," Ryan said. "What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

"I am just wondering how I got so lucky," Victoria answered. "I have her, and Reed, and you, and all of my family and friends. How did I get so fortunate?"

"I ask myself all of the time what I did to deserve you, Vicki. To have someone so exceptional in my life... Someone who's given me everything I've always wanted … A home, a family, a place to belong."

Victoria looked up at him and he gently dabbed at her tears. "You've given me those things too, Ryan. I am so glad you're back and that no one can hurt us anymore."

"Me, too," he murmured. He kissed the back of her hand. "I love you."

"I love you too," Victoria said. She rubbed her eyes as a little yawn escaped her lips.

"You should get some rest."

"I don't want to… I am afraid to sleep… To wake up and find out that she's not here. That you aren't either... That I dreamt all of this."

"You didn't. I am here. She's here. We're real, and we're not going anywhere. I promise."

Victoria studied his handsome face. "I know. Deep down, I know that. But I still get scared, right or wrong."

"Me too," Ryan said. "But the very worst has already happened. The people that hurt us… They can't touch us anymore. They're gone."

"Thank god," Victoria murmured. _"Thank god."_ She sighed as her whole body sagged, seeming to give over to the craving to sleep.

Ryan once again, knowing what she needed before she could even verbalize it, stood and took the little infant from her, tucking her tiny body against his chest. He whispered his lips across Victoria's cheek and then sat at her bedside as she nestled into the pillows behind her.

Before long, she was fast asleep.

* * *

**X - Xerox Copy**

Over the next few days, Victoria received many visits from family members and friends. They all wished her a speedy recovery and _ooohed and ahhhed_ over the new addition. Nothing quite warmed her heart though like seeing her son Reed holding his little sister for the first time. Reed even gifted the baby with the nickname "Rina". And somehow, it sounded just right to Victoria's ears. From that moment on, Victoria thought of her daughter as "Rina" and addressed her as such every time she held her and marveled over how lucky she was for this amazing gift in her life.

One afternoon there was a lull in between visitors. Victoria insisted that Ryan head home and get some sleep. He tried to protest but she reminded him that he'd hardly slept a wink in days and days. She could see the way he was listing on his feet. He finally acquiesced, but only when she threatened to climb out of the bed and drag him home herself. He feathered his lips in her hair, told her to call him if she need anything, anything at all, and he slipped out after promising to return in a few hours.

She sat on the bed, admiring her daughter slumbering in her isolette, little puffs of air passing her tiny pink lips. Victoria felt very fortunate in that moment. She loved her and Ryan's child, every bit as much as she loved Reed. Her life was pretty complete. Even if she never could have another child as they all worried about; she still felt blessed.

_"Knock, knock,"_ a familiar voice suddenly called from the doorway.

Victoria looked up. "Billy," she said with a smile. "Hello."

"Hey there," he returned. "Mind if I come in for a minute?"

"I would be offended if you didn't. Ryan and my mom told me you've been here every day since I came to the hospital."

Billy sighed. "I was worried, more so than I'd like to admit. I would have come in here sooner but I didn't want to step on any toes."

"You? _Never,"_ Victoria teased.

Billy smiled. He then whipped a huge bouquet of calla lilies out from behind his back, as if he were a magician. "For you," he said, passing them to her. She buried her nose in the flowers, breathing in their sweet, fragrant scent.

"Billy, thank you. They're wonderful."

"Yeah, I remembered how much you liked them." She hugged the bouquet to her chest. "How are you, Victoria?"

"I'm good," Victoria said. She noticed Billy peeking over the edge of the isolette. "Would you like to hold Rina?"

"Rina… That's a great name. Short for Katherine?"

"Yes. Reed came up with the nickname and it's sort of caught on."

"It suits her."

"So…?"

Billy raised an eyebrow. "So… what?"

"Do you want to hold her?"

"I don't want to wake her. She looks so peaceful." Billy studied the baby's sweet, peaceful expression. "God, Vick," he said, slipping into the use of her old nickname, she couldn't help but notice. "She's gorgeous."

"Thank you."

"She looks just like you too." He reached out and stroked the baby's cheek gently with the pad of his thumb. "Like a little Xerox copy, actually."

Victoria smiled. "Well, she's got Ryan's nose and high cheekbones."

"Nah, this beautiful girl is all you," Billy said.

"If you say so." Victoria gestured to the chair at her bedside. "Sit down for a little bit. Take a load off. You look kind of tired."

"Yeah, I am."

"Is everything alright?" She asked as she watched him slide into the chair.

"It is … Now that I know you're awake."

"Oh, Billy."

"I was really worried. I can't lie to you about that. Throughout all of it, I just had to keep reminding myself of how strong you are."

"I am sorry I scared all of you. I really am."

"It's not your fault, Vick. You didn't do this. I know you - I know you took great care of yourself and this baby. So if this happened, it means nature is just a bitch." He looked at sleeping Rina. "Sorry for saying that word in front of you, kiddo."

Victoria looked at Billy closely. He looked a little sad, she thought. "Uh… How's Delia doing? I don't get to see her as much as I would like to."

"Oh she's growing like a weed," Billy said. "But she's her usual sweet and fun self. She gives me a lot of joy."

"I am glad… And you and Allie…" She swallowed hard. "How are you two doing?"

"Good, I think. I could see us going the distance someday."

"I hope she treats you the way you deserve, Billy. You deserve only good things in your life, even if never seem to believe it."

Billy smiled. "I don't believe it, but I am trying to."

"Good. I want you to be happy, Billy."

He nodded. "I know. And I'm working on it day by day."

"I am glad."

Billy looked over at the baby again. She was starting to rouse, blinking her eyes. "Oh, Victoria, you've got a heartbreaker on your hands here."

"I think you're right," Victoria looked at her daughter. "Good afternoon, sweetheart… Rina, I'd like you to meet someone very important to me… This is Billy Abbott. He saved me when I was drowning. I will always be grateful to him for that."

Billy stared at Victoria and then returned his gaze to the squirming infant. "Hey there, Rina. It's nice to finally meet you. And your Mom, for the record, she saved me too. She's a great woman and you're very lucky to have her as a mom."

Victoria and Billy's eyes met. "Thank you for saying that, Billy," Victoria murmured.

"It's true… I appreciate all you did for me. I like to think I'm a better man because I've known you."

"And I'm a better woman… Be happy, Billy. _Please be happy."_

"I will do my best," Billy said. Victoria clutched the calla lilies tightly to her chest as she watched Billy rise to his feet.

"I should be going," he said quietly. "Take care of yourself, alright?"

"Alright… Thanks for coming to visit Rina and I, and bringing me these beautiful flowers."

"Of course." He reached out and gave her hand a light squeeze. "Goodbye, Victoria."

"Goodbye, Billy," she said, offering him a little wave as he disappeared out the door.


	13. Yours / Zoo

**Y - Yours**

Victoria sat ramrod straight in the passenger seat of the Seville as Ryan piloted the car through noonday traffic. Her fingers tugged on the belt keeping her in place but that was the only movement that she made. She dealt with her anxiety the best way she knew how - by keeping it inside, by bottling it up, by trying to appear strong, even if she felt anything but in that moment. She just reminded herself of what her mother kept telling her - _"_ _You're a Newman. You're made of the strongest stock. Don't ever forget that."_

She felt Ryan reach out and squeeze her arm as they pulled into the parking lot of the small fertility hospital in upstate Wisconsin. The day before Victoria had spent hours inside of a lab being poked and prodded. Today, they would get the results of all of those tests. They would find out if, after the ordeal her body had been through, they could ever have children _naturally_ again.

"I love you, Vicki," Ryan said. "I know that's shallow comfort right now but just know, no matter what Dr. Greene tells us today, I will always love you. And I'll always stand beside you."

Victoria looked over at Ryan finally. "I love you too, Ryan." She offered him a weak smile. "Should we-"

"Yes," Ryan said. "If you're ready."

"Ready as I'll ever be... I want to give you another child someday, Ryan. We have Rina and Reed and we're so lucky but I don't feel like we're done having children, if that makes sense. Not unless Dr. Greene says we are, anyway." Her bottom lip trembled for the briefest of moments and then she squared her shoulders and moved forward, as if she was going into battle. And maybe she was.

Ryan met her on the sidewalk and hand in hand, they walked into the small hospital. They checked in at the front desk and sequestered themselves in a corner of the waiting room, not saying much at all, both too lost in their own thoughts. The nurse finally called them back. The specialist was ready to see them.

They settled in two matching chairs in front of a huge oakwood desk. Dr. Greene, a bespectacled man in his late forties sat on the opposite side of the desk. He looked at them over the tops of his glasses. He had several charts spread before him, ones with her name clearly visible. He wore a somber expression on his craggy face. Victoria felt her heart sink into her toes.

"Mr. and Mrs. McNeil," Dr. Greene started, "thank you for coming in."

"Of course," Victoria said. "Can you tell us if I'll ever be able to carry another child?" She didn't want to beat around the bush or endure niceties. She wanted the cold, hard facts, and wanted them now. Then maybe she could deal with them; or at least, process them somehow.

Dr. Greene looked at Victoria, then at Ryan, and then back at his chart. "I have both good news and bad news."

Victoria tried not to pass out at his words. That wasn't who she was though. She was made of the strongest stock, she reminded herself. Ryan looked at her and she saw the storm of emotion in his blue gaze. She knew he was trying to be strong for her, but she told herself whatever happened, she would be fine. She _had_ to be.

Dr. Greene took off his glasses. "The bad news is that the damage done to your uterus was extensive. You almost needed a hysterectomy, after all." Victoria nodded. Of course, she knew that. "You could likely conceive a child but the possibility of carrying it to term would be almost nil." He looked at them sympathetically as they both slipped down aways in their chairs.

"So," Victoria said, "how is that good news exactly? You're saying that I could get pregnant but would almost certainly lose the baby. How - how am I supposed to be happy with that news?"

"Well, there is a silver lining here."

"What? What silver lining?"

"I am one of the few licensed doctors in this state who can perform a rather radical procedure to essentially repair the damage to your uterus. So that one day, barring any other complications, you could conceive and carry a child to full-term."

Victoria heard Ryan sigh softly but it was almost drowned out by the sound of her own sigh. "You can - you can help us then," Victoria said.

Dr. Greene nodded. "I can."

"Ohmigod," Victoria said.

"Your body needs a little more time to heal. Maybe three to four months and then you can have this procedure."

"Good. I want it," Victoria said immediately.

Ryan was a little more cautious this time. He looked at his wife and then at the doctor. "Is it really safe for Victoria?"

"As safe as any surgery like this can be," Dr. Greene said.

"I'll be fine." Victoria squeezed Ryan's hand. "Thank you, Dr. Greene. Thank you for giving us hope. I didn't want this to be the end for us."

Dr. Greene just nodded. They were soon shown out to make an appointment to return to see the specialist in several months. Victoria knew she wouldn't miss this opportunity. Not for the world.

They walked back to the car and climbed inside. Ryan looked over at her. "You're beaming."

"Yes. I mean, I know this is the answer to every prayer I've said in the past month." She kissed Ryan's cheek. "Can we go home to our kids? Please. I just want to hold them right now."

"Of course." Ryan started the engine.

"You would, wouldn't you?" Victoria said.

Ryan looked at her curiously. "I _mean,"_ Victoria said, "you would love me even if I could never give you another baby."

"Of course, Victoria. You're my world. You have to know that."

"I do. I just don't know how I got so lucky," Victoria said.

"Hey. I'm the lucky one… Besides, you're my wife, Victoria. I promised to stand beside you through everything, through every moment, whether good or bad, and I meant it."

"I know. I'm yours alright," Victoria murmured. _"_ _For always."_

* * *

**Z - Zoo**

_**2.5 years later…** _

"Vicki, are you okay in there?" Ryan's voice met her ears. She heard him rap his knuckles gently against the wood of the closed bathroom door. "You've been in there for awhile."

"I'm fine," Victoria answered. _Better than fine._ She sat on the edge of the clawfoot bathtub, looking at the stick in her hand. "I'll be out in just a second."

A smile shone on her face. When she had first started experiencing nausea and dizziness over a week ago, she wrote it off to being tired and probably overworked, something Ryan always warned her about. However, when she realized last night that she was late too, she had decided to take this test. And sure enough, two pinks lines now stared up at her.

She had almost given up hope of having another baby. Dr. Greene had long since performed the surgery to repair her uterus but in the two years since it happened, she had not gotten pregnant. And not for the lack of trying. She and Ryan were still insatiable.

But somehow, a miracle had _finally_ happened. She was pregnant. She and Ryan were finally going to have the third little baby they'd been hoping for.

Victoria hugged her flat middle for a moment and then carefully placed the stick into a wad of tissue in the trash can. After washing her hands, she fairly floated out of the bathroom.

Ryan was changing into a tee-shirt in the adjoining bedroom when she walked inside. She quietly sidled up behind him, and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her cheek to his warm back. "I love you," she said.

Ryan reached out to take her tiny hands into his larger ones. He threaded their fingers. "Oh yeah?"

"Oh yeah," Victoria said. "You have this amazing ability to make all of my dreams come true."

Ryan turned to face her, placing his hands gently on either side of her face. "And what dreams have I made come true?"

"All of them, actually. You gave me a home, and a family… A place to belong. And now … A third special blessing." Her hand dropped to her still-flat belly.

Ryan's eyes went wide. "Vick, are you telling me what I think you're telling me?" He grinned. "Are - are you pregnant?"

"Yes. At least according to the test I just took in the bathroom."

"Oh, Victoria!" He crowed, picking her up and swinging her around and around until she thought she might vomit.

She laughed. "Put me down unless you want your shirt to be ruined," she said pointedly. He placed her back on her two feet and kissed her. She smiled into his lips.

"Ewww! They're kissing again!" A familiar voice came from the doorway. They both laughed as they pulled apart, turning to look at Reed and Rina standing there. Reed looked disgusted and Rina, non-plussed.

"Just wait until you're a little older," Ryan predicted. "Then you won't think kissing is so gross."

Victoria shook her head. "Don't plant any ideas in his head. I want my son to stay a kid for like twenty more years at least."

"That's impossible, Mom," Reed said wisely.

"Well I can dream, can't I?"

Reed shrugged doubtfully, but smiled. "Are we going to the zoo now?" He asked. "I want to see the tigers again."

"Yes, we'll get going."

"I wanna see 'onkey," Rina said.

"A monkey?" Victoria asked. Rina nodded and Victoria swept the brunette little sprite into her arms. "Then a monkey you shall see."

"Mom's in a good mood," Reed said.

"I always am when I'm with you three." She looked over at Ryan. _"And someday, four,"_ she whispered to him.

"What did you say?" Reed asked.

"I said, daylight's burning," Victoria replied. It was just understood that they would keep this pregnancy a secret for a little while.

"Alright, let's go!" Reed said enthusiastically. He ran out of the room. Rina squirreled to be free and join her brother. Victoria let her go and Ryan took Victoria's hand. They stared at each other for a long moment, just marveling how everything had come full circle. They had once thought they would never see each other again, and now by some miracle, they had all of these blessings.

Life was good. Their future shined brighter than the noonday sun, full of endless possibilities.

**THE END.**


End file.
